The Method
Saturday, June 12, 2010
, Posted by TJ at 3:25 PM
From :
What About Free Will?
I’ve recently arrived at the age where I am supposed to be in some sort of long term relationship. I’m past the age where people are expecting me to find someone “any day now” but before the age where people describe me as “independent.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not opposed to this whole girl thing. I’m simply not very good at meeting women. Not that there is any flaw with me, mind you. There’s something about having two X chromosomes that makes girls bat-shit crazy. Some would argue there’s something about having one X chromosome that makes men assholes, but they are wrong. You shouldn’t believe a crazy person, you know.
In response to my personal tragedy, I’ve worked out a system for screening potential female companions. I hope to work this relationship thing out before I’m fifty, smelly, and just don’t care if I’m naked or not. When you’re as awkward as me, it’s a good idea to have a concrete method to fall back on, for like, everything. When I get gender-nervous I can just slowly rock back and forth in the fetal position while repeating, “Remember the system. Remember the system.”
I’m against friends introducing me to potential girlfriends as the introduction line is always, “This is Andrew; he’s really funny.” This leaves me in a situation where I have to absolutely prove I’m incredibly funny in a short period of time. This always fails because, shockingly, there is more to my personality than the enjoyment of humor.
When these introductions happen, I revert from very minimally controlling what I say to not controlling what I say at all. Usually, I am the kid that occasionally chirps in with a weird, but clever observation. I soon transition into the person that could only possibly be understood by being inside of their brain. Turns out most girls don’t respond to that sort of thing.
Since introductions are impossible, the burden of finding companionship lies solely on my shoulders. There are two sections to my method. The initial screening process is intended to avoid women who would do things like growl when I try to kiss them. Or set my car on fire if I forget the three month anniversary of our first trip to the zoo. Or think that the Twilight books are pretty good. This list, this numbered set of directions is the first leg of my dating journey. It is exactly how I find the elusive Dating Candidate.
1) Make new friends
2) See if there are any friends that are female and attractive (both physically and non). If there are none, return to step one. The criteria for attraction are extensive in themselves, but we won’t get into that now. I have other stuff to do, like find me a woman.
3) Once a woman that fits the above criteria has been found, talk to her often. Try not to follow her around. That apparently is a deal breaker.
4) Work up to asking her to a movie that is humorous in nature…or a Pixar film if she is one of those girls.
5) After the movie, demonstrate spontaneity by asking her to partake in ice cream at Dairy Queen. If the date took place in a town that does not have a Dairy Queen, return to step one.
6) Bluntly and awkwardly ask her if she would like to do anything like this again. If she says “Yes,” call her in two days, if she says “No,” return to step one.
Once these six steps have been successfully completed, it’s time to find out if I actually like The Dating Candidate or not. The ultimate quest, of course, is to “go around the bases” with her. Please, I am not so shallow as to suggest my only goal is to kiss then touch then special touch then special hug these girls. Not that that would work anyways. The second portion of my method has a greater purpose than this. I’m sort of old fashioned in the fact that I date people with the idea that I will eventually marry one of them. I ‘spose I need to get with the times though…
Anyways, contrary to popular belief you don’t just go around the bases once. It’s not like you run round a diamond, touch four squares, and suddenly you get along perfectly with somebody with no chance of it ever falling apart. It doesn’t work like that. I have come to realize that you must actually go around the bases with a girl three times before you have any hope of knowing who she is, let alone even think of getting physical with her. I definitely favor using protection, but I’m sort of more preemptive about it. The thing is, I can find out more about a girl if she cries when she loses a sock than I can by kissing her.
This process, while tedious, is vital. If special care was not taken, I could totally end up with a girl that’s all goopy (in a bad way) and spend the rest of my life on a couch with her watching reality television. This process is exactly how complicated it needs to be, but unfortunately more so than the world is ready for. The conundrum is self-creating.
Note: Unlike the above list, the below is more a series of milestones rather than instructions. Also, intermittent dates are concurrently happening during this checklist.
The first time around the bases
First base: Talked on the phone for a couple of weeks
Second base: Helped her pick out a mundane item like a dustbuster or a silverware set.
Third base: Sent a rambling email at two in morning for pretty much no reason. She didn’t seem to mind.
Home: Had a nice discussion about (and found common ground on) interior decoration.
The second time around the bases
First base: Did something wrong on purpose just to see what she would do. Bought her roses to see how often, and for what infractions, I will have to do this in the future.
Second base: Got her to understand that I will never, ever dance with her.
Third base: Found out the woman was smarter than me. Panicked for a few days, but came to peace with the realization that this has happened to before.
Home: Became scared/confused that she makes sense to me, seems to like hanging around me, and has not tried to eat my spleen yet. Took a blood sample and set it into a lab to see if the woman was actually a dude all along.
The third time around the bases
First base: Assessed exactly how fertile the woman is. Examined her hips and asked myself the following questions: Are the hips childbearing in nature? Does she appear healthy enough to both produce milk for the young and continue about her daily labor? How likely is she come down with the typhus and become an invalid?
Second base: Asked her, hypothetically, what she would do if I were to give her a diamond ring and request something very legally binding of her. If the initial response was negative, tried upping the elaborateness of the hypothetical situation. Once agreement was reached, tried substituting the diamond ring for a house or a state-of-the-art kayak to see if I received the same response.
Third base: Actually carried out the hypothetical situation…without vomiting.
Home: Took a look at her “dirty pillows.” Made final decision.
The furthest I have ever gotten is to home on the second time around. This is usually the cut-off point for as far as my method will carry me. There just aren’t than many birthing hips out there anymore. I am saddened to report that this fool-proof method of finding the girl for me is not fool-proof. Often I will date a girl for several months before one day she turns to me and sweetly says, “Surprise! I’m crazy!” I’m not sure if the method has always worked by rooting out the insane, or has never worked since there is a definite brick-wall built into it. God damn it, now I’m all depressed.
So you see, I have at least thought out my feelings on this subject, even if I come across as horribly obsessive in the process. Maybe I just need to find someone that understands what I’m actually saying here, somebody that thinks like me. Oh dang, I definitely need to addthat to the list.
From :
Currently have 0 comments: